Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
