She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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