what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
