Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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