Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
