I'm going to jail i love you
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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