i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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