We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
