I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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