you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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