you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
