so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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