she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
