whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
