When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
