My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
