Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
