Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
