I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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