eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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