I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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