Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
