8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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