She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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