If i come over, it means nothing
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
