I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
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