alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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