You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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