literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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