God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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