Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
