My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
