Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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