I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
