Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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