Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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