the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
