woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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