I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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