WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
