So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
