No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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