I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
