And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
