So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
