im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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