my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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