sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
