Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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