woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
