i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
